Fade in. Later that day. Bubba is sitting in a small office in the milking barn, speaking on the phone. A man sits across from him. Bubba hangs up the phone.
Bubba: Gurjit says he can get us some more right away, says it ain't no problem !! We'll have these heifers dosed back up and swelled up like a tic on Sunday !!!!!! THE MILK AND THE MONEY'S GONNA KEEP FLOWING BOY!!
Ray: Bubba, Sometimes I get a little worried ..... I mean, if the stuff is so good, how come this friend of Gurjit's don't just make this medicine available to the rest of the world ?? Why does he have to peddle it to a few farmers here and there ??
Bubba: Now Ray ...... I done told you the man who invented this ... WHO I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO HIS NAME IS ... is some old friend of Gurjit's from college. All Gurjit says is that this fellar is some kind of CHEMICAL GENIUS !!!!!! And that he's so rich he don't have to worry 'bout nothin'. Now this medicine is.... well Gurjit says the fellar KNOWS it could never be approved
Ray: Bubba, after all the good it's done around here, why we could be a TESTIMONIAL for them approving THE MEDICINE !!!!
Bubba: I done told you... Now what part of NOT do you NOT understand, I SAID NOT EVEN by the F-D- of A !!!
Ray: But... but..... they'll approve anything if it's just to help a PLANT or ANIMAL !!! We ain't givin' the stuff to NO HUMAN BEINGS !! BUT THIS medicene DOES helps not just all the little cows of the world, but all the FOLKS too !! If every cow had this give to 'em, then EVERYBODY would GIT MILK !!
Bubba: It ain't that simple ...... Gurjit says there's stuff about it that even HE don't understand, and if GURJIT CAN'T GET IT .... welllllllllllll he is the smartest man I ever seen since the professor on Gilligan's Island !!
Ray: Gurjit is smart !!!
Bubba: But he says that it just has some things about it that would SCARE THE HELL OUT OF MOST SCIENTISTS !!!!!
Ray: WHAT ?!?!?!?!? And we been filling the cows up with this medicine ???? Making their udders git bigger than a porn queen's ??? And it's something WRONG AND DANGEROUS ABOUT IT ??? I just always figured that Gurjit's friend was still going through gettin' it approved !!
Bubba: Ray, IT AIN'T GONNA HURT NOBODY !!!!!! Gurjit's friend ASSURED him, and Gurgit trusts this feller like they was brothers !!!! AND I TRUST GURJIT. And I trust you too, Ray. That's why you my right hand man on this farm. That's why I know this here conversation won't go outside that door.
Ray: But how come he gives it to just a few farmers ????
Bubba: All Gurjit can tell me about this here MYSTERY MAN is he just likes to see the results of all his hard work, so since he knows it would be OUTLAWED if he ever made it public, he would rather just let a few personal friends of his just, DISCREETLY spread it around to their friends. And it don't even cost me hardly anything. This MYSTERY MAN is so rich that even if he COULD GET APPROVAL and a copyright, or ..
Ray: Trademark ???
Bubba: Uh .... a PATENT !! Even then it would be just a drop in the MYSTERY MAN'S bucket, so he'd rather just see the fruits of his labors here and on a few other SECRET FARMS. Gurjit keeps him informed, even takes him videotapes of my farm !!
Ray: But Bubba, what if the proper authorities ever FIND OUT ????
Bubba: They ain't gonna find out !! As long as we don't tell, anything they find in the milk, if they even spot check, they'll think it's just some LEGAL ADDITIVE. Gurjit promised me, something about how it resembles some kind of WEAK LEGAL MEDICINE once it gets to the milk.
Ray: But what if they test the URINE ???? Maybe that would tell.
Bubba: URINE TEST ?????? ON A COW ?? That's Livestock !!!! Ain't some pea brain JOB APPLICANT we're talkin' bout here, that's a man's PROPERTY !!!! Ain't nobody gonna humiliate my property like that !!! LET 'EM TRY ! WE GOTTA DRAW A LINE, SON !!!!!!!
Ray: But Bubba, you're one of the biggest advocates of substance testing in Discord county!!
Bubba: Oh sure, but that ain't for no illegal substance !!
Ray: But wait, you have the TESTOR right there, in his LAB COAT !!!!
Bubba: (Laughing) You think I care what a one time test could tell me? If a man has a problem, it's gonna show up in his work, or in some other way, and then we just FIRE HIM !!
Ray: But Bubba, you PAY so much to have the feces analyzed, I heard on Real Eye 7 News that's EXPENSIVE !!! Lot more than urine !!! More accurate though.
Bubba: (Laughing harder) Ain't no accuracy !! Look, let me explain, remember when ..... oh who was a good 'un ... Ralph Cropper !!! Now when Ralph first come here, you remember ...
Cut to a flashback. Bubba and Ray are sitting in the same office, both on one side of the desk. A third man, Ralph Cropper, is sitting across from them. He looks bewildered .
Cropper: But ..... but ...... I ... I ...
Bubba: It's only right, all the big companies does it, we just like to take it a STEP FURTHER.
Ray: AND we make sure that everybody who had to do it sees that all the new applicants goes through the same thing.
Cropper: But .... but ...
Bubba: IT'S ONLY FAIR. Just be ready at 1;15 tomorrow afternoon.
Cut to the next day. The applicant, Ralph Cropper, stands upon a high, stagelike platform in the midst of a large cow pasture. There is a 5 gallon mason jar behind him. He is wearing only a pair of boxer shorts and looks bewildered. A crowd of farm hands has gathered. They are laughing, "high fiving", and pointing at Cropper. Large PA speakers are on either side of the stage. Bubba and a man in a lab coat walk to centerstage, beside Cropper. Bubba has a wireless microphone with which he addresses the crowd through the PA system.
Bubba: Now this here fellow wants to join up with ya'll and WORK here on Bubba's farm ! How say ye ?
Crowd: (Shouting in unison) Yay if he is clean! Yay if he is clean! Yay if he is clean!
Bubba: HALLELUJAH! Proceed boy !
The job applicant, Ralph Cropper, is filmed only from the waist up. He appears to drop his shorts and squat upon the open lid of the huge mason jar. He begins to strain.
Various Crowd Members: (jeering) DO IT! PUSH IT OUT!! SHOOT IT OUT ! HA HA ! SHOOT ONE FOR THE BUBBA ! YEAH BOY ! BE A MAN ! BE A MAN ! BE A MAN !
The man continues to strain. Sweat is pouring out of all his pores. His face is beet red, and he is almost crying.
Bubba: What's wrong, boy ?? You got A PROBLEM WITH BUBBA'S TEST ??
Crowd member 1: You tell him, Bubba !!!
Bubba: Maybe you got something TO HIDE ????
Crowd member 2: You the MAN Bubba !
Suddenly the sound of a loud boom of flatulence rips through the large PA speakers (the jar is miked) followed by a slight "plop".
Various Crowd Members: Yeeee ------ HAH !! Wooo --- EEEE !!!!! All right boy !!!!
The job applicant collapses on the stage, semi- conscious and breathing heavily.
Bubba: Good Boy !!!!!!
The man in the lab coat carries out the large mason jar. Slowly fade to later that day. It is late in the afternoon. The crowd is gathered again. They look tired from a heavy day's work. Ralph Cropper stands at attention, centerstage, fully clothed. Bubba stands beside him. The man in the lab coat walks onstage, holding an envelope and approaching Bubba.
Bubba: The envelope please !
The sound of Bubba opening the envelope reverberates through the PA, as an eerie silence has fallen on the scene.
Bubba: Clean !
The crowd cheers ecstatically. Many jump up and down, "high fiving" and back slapping one another. Individual closeups show men drooling, screaming, whooping and yelling. One man has thrown himself into a pile of cow manure and wiggles uncontrollably while speaking nonsense.
The Manure Wiggler: Everybody clean !! Everybody right !! OOH I feel like I'm CLEAN no matter what it comes as it may WOOO EEEE !! Git Clean !!
Bubba: (patting Ralph on the back) You one of us now boy ! AT EASE !!!
Cropper lets out a sigh, then collapses on the stage in a heap of relief. Fade back to Bubba and Ray in the present, in Bubba's office. They are both leaning back severely in their chairs, with their eyes closed, as the act of recollection has caused them both to do this. They both lean forward simultaneously, and look at each other across the desk.
Bubba: Yeah ol' Ralph showed us ALL what he was made of...
Ray: Right.. after he was analyzed as CLEAN.
Bubba: (Laughing) Ray, you still don't get it .... NO !!! NOT after he was ruled clean, just when he got up and made a complete little sniveling fool out of hisself FOR ME !!!!!! AND FOR THE FARM !!!!!! That was nothin' but a loyalty test !!!!
Ray: So there's NO TEST ???? I mean a substance test ??? It's for loyalty ??
Bubba: Yeah, any man who shows that he'll bend like that will take almost any order you give him !!
Ray: YOU A GENIUS BUBBA !!! IN SOME WAYS I OFTEN THINK OF YOU AS SMARTER THAN GURGIT !!!
Bubba: It don't much brains to figure that out !!
Ray: But the man in the coat...
Bubba: Just a 'ol friend of mine .... From way out in another county ...
Ray: Let's dose them cows come FRIDAY !!!!!
Bubba: Swell 'em up and let that MILK MONEY FLOW !!!!!!!
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